Hello! My name is Kristen. I am a Christian, a wife, a mom, and an Instructional Assistant for special education kids. I am starting this blog because I think it is important for me to open up and be honest about what God is doing in my life.
A few things to know about me. I am very much a planner. I have issues with control. I like knowing what is going to happen before I do something. If you tell me what we are doing, then I am up for anything. I am an Ambivert. Which means I am both an introvert and an extrovert. I enjoy being with people and doing things but I get tired from it. I enjoy being by myself and just reading, or watching a movie. I don't have to keep going and doing things. I am okay with just being at home. I enjoy doing things and being with friends, but I have a select amount of friends that I can be really open and honest with. I have trust issues, and thus I have faith issues.
I have been a Christian my whole life. I grew up in a Christian home. My family had some issues, but we always went to church and I knew who God was and learned a lot about him. I accepted Him into my heart when I was in elementary school at church and I have asked Him into my heart a hundred times more. I continually ask Him to be Lord of my life. I know who He is and His characteristics.
This being said, I have a hard time always believing these things. I know in my head who He is and what He does, but my heart has a hard time always accepting it. My heart has been broken many times by people that I have trusted and because of this it is hard for me to trust people. I allow people into my life but I don't expect much because if and when they hurt me, I won't be disappointed. I am explaining these things, but it doesn't make them okay. It is not okay for me not to trust. I know that people will fail me and disappoint me because they are human, and they will always make mistakes. But I should not bring my ideas of how people will disappoint me into my view of God.
Unfortunately, for a long time I have brought that into my view of Him. I have allowed my belief that everyone will fail me into my idea of God. In my head I know that God will never fail me, He will always be there for me, He will always protect me and do what is best for me. In my heart I somewhat believe it but I have stipulations on it. I give God demands like, "I'll go along with your plan if you tell me what it is." or "I want Your will to be done, but I need to know what the plan looks like." I always feel like I need to be a part of the plans because I need some control. My childhood was sometimes pretty out of control so I feel that if I control my life now that my life won't be like my childhood was. I felt like people failed me, but if I control my life, I won't let myself down. Silly, isn't it? Unfortunately, I cannot always make the right decisions for myself. I can't control my life. As much as I would like to, it won't happen. There is a saying that if you tell God your plans that He just laughs and says, "But I have better plans for you."
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
God knows my entire life, full span. He knows my past, He knows my present, He knows my future. He sees all and knows all. He has my best interest at heart. He loves me. He doesn't want to hurt me. He wants to teach me. He wants to grow me as a person. He wants to protect me. He wants to provide for me. I am His daughter. He wants nothing but the best for me. I think one of the reasons that God gave me my children when He did is because He wanted to show me who He was and how He loved me. I question His love for me. So He brought me my boys. I love my boys so much. Nothing they could do could ever make me stop loving them. No sin, no decision, no mean words, no failures, no success, no job, nothing could ever make me stop loving them. I only want the best for them. Sometimes the things I do to protect them and teach them isn't always fun for them. They don't always understand why I am doing something. They don't know as much as I do. God gave me these wonderful boys so I could get a glimpse of his character. He is the same way with me. I don't know as much as Him, but He knows all. He loves me so much that nothing I do could stop Him from loving me. Yes, the things I do can disappoint Him, they can sadden Him, they can hurt Him. But He will never stop loving me, just as I will never stop loving my children. He only wants the best for me. Sometimes the best for me isn't always what I want. Just like my boys. Sometimes they want ice cream for breakfast, but I have to tell them no, because I know that isn't what is best for them. Sometimes God says no to my plans because He has better ones for me. He will always protect me and be there for me.
Psalm 46:1 "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble."
I have to trust that God knows what is best for me. I have to trust that He only wants to make me into a better person and sometimes that hurts, and it is almost never easy. I have to trust that God will always provide for me.
Matthew 6:25-34
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
I am more valuable to God that birds or flowers. He provides for them, so He will provide for me even more. I have to remember that. I have to trust that. I have to have faith that He is who He says He is. My husband is a wonderful blessing to me. He has so much faith and trust. He does not worry. He knows who God is and trusts that God will always take care of us, provide for us, do what's best for us. He can step out in faith in a situation not knowing any details and know that God will be there supporting Him and providing for Him. He trusts God. I am so thankful I have him because when I am doubting things, worrying about things, not trusting God, my husband is there to remind me of the times that God has taken care of us. He reminds me that God has never let me down or left my side. I need to go to God's word when I am worrying because there are so many examples of how God is faithful. Hebrews is great example of who God is. I need to have faith without seeing the plan first. I will have faith if I know who God is. One of the pastors at our church said last week, "I don't know what my Father is doing, but I know who my Father is." Even when I don't know the plan, I need to know who God is and that He will never try to harm me. Just like I will never harm my children, I will always do what is best for them, even more so God will do the same for me, and for you. We are His children and He will never fail us.
Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."
Faith is taking a step without seeing it, but knowing that God will take care of us. I am going to step out in faith and know that my Father will take care of me. But I have to allow Him to take care of me and have the control. I can't hold onto my life. I need to open up my hands and be still enough to let God take it.
Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God."
I pray that I can strengthen my faith and trust in God. I am writing this blog so that you can be a witness in my journey, and to know that we are not alone. We all struggle, not with all the same things, but sometimes there are others that share in your struggle. As Christians we are to be there for one another, exhort each other, love each other, and always point each other to God. I pray that I can open up and allow my journey to be a blessing to others. It is not easy for me to open up and share my heart but that is a way that God can use me, can allow others to assist me in my journey, and to share in other's struggles. Let me know if I can pray for you, with you, or just talk. I pray that God will continue to strengthen your faith as well as mine.
Thanks for reading!
